moe✧🐈🍔

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

The big sister

I’ve always yearned for an older sister. At the same time as I enjoy being the oldest sister, getting to experience every common life challenge first and be able to prepare my younger sisters for the world they’re about to go out in, I still wish I could have had someone like that in my own life. Someone to teach me, assist me. An idol.

I guess I still seek an older sister in the older feminine energies I come across today.

sotce, mitski, M, K & T.

Secretly I observe them as a shy toddler peeking through the small gap of their slightly ajar doors to their cool teenage or early adult bedrooms. Studying the way they sit on their beds. What magazines they read. What music they listen to. What clothes they wear. How they do their makeup. What do they have on their walls? What are their philosophies of the life we live?

Even today I find myself with my ear pressed against the walls of feminine bedrooms, begging to hear something they have to say through the wood and insulation, anything, so that I can be a part of it.

I try to collect as much of their ideas and mantras. So that I can spread them out on my own bed and observe them the way a little sister observes her older explaining how to cope with a trouble of hers.

Spread out on my bed these fragments surround me, imitating the presence of a protecting, older sibling. I’ve hidden the truth under my bed, in a box, covered with dust. So that the imagined care of an imagined older sister can warm me, and protect me from the cold hard truth;

that I can only ever pretend.


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wrote this sloppy

limits

I catch myself often thinking about a quote from sylvia plath. something about how incredibly sad it is to be restricted by only living one life. I looked it up

“I can never read all the books I want;
I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. 
I can never train myself in all the skills I want.
And why do I want?
I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life
And I am horribly limited.” 

And I think this quote resonates with me especially because I’m in a phase of life where I’m trying to find out who I am and what I want to do. But what if I can’t choose? What if I want to be much more than just one thing? One person? I am horribly limited. 

But I guess with this knowledge I can train myself to be more open and diverse, and teach myself to be dynamic and carry more than just one view or one belief or one goal. I’ll try to be as limitless as I can be within the constant limits of life and death.